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They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.