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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
There`s no WE in pizza.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."