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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.