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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.