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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
when in Rome get naked ;)