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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Bacon...need I say more
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.