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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(