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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"