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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?