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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.