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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.