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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do