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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.