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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?