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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Starting to believe I`m trouble
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.