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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Don`t waste my timeline.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.