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Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.