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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!