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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.