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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?