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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.