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Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
It needs more cowbell!!
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.