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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.