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When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.