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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
life is short play naked
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.