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You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.