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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.