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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Hello...
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
There`s no WE in pizza.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.