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I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss