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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face