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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.