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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.