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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.