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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
What about a To-Don`t List?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party