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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."