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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.