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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......