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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.