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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.