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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
That`s not how I met your mother.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?