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On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Iām starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?