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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.