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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.