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I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.