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Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.