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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.