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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I wish I had a friend like me
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100