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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards