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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.