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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?