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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
I put the pro in inappropriate.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like