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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.