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I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
about love
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.