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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.