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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.