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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.