Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.