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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!