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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.