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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Warning: I just get weirder.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?