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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.