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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.