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Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
It’s a status….not your diary…
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.