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I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.