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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.