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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.