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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.