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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.