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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"