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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.