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Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.