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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.