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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.