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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....